I'm so tired. And it's just going to get worse, especially with this week I have coming up. It's going to be filled with more one year ago memories of last events with Poppy, leading up to his death on the 12th. One year ago today was the day LJ and I left work to check on him because he wouldn't answer the phone, and I was so worried and scared. It was the last time I would see him in his apartment..the last time he would be in his apartment..the last time he'd be outside of the hospital. One year ago today was also the last time I would hear him talk, even if it wasn't totally rational or coherent. I sure do miss him.
I really effed up on my Stat's test I took on Weds. I got really sick on Monday night from this stupid blood pressure medication I was given when I went in to see about an ear infection..I really thought I was going to die. My lips were literally turning blue and the pink was non-existent in my fingernail beds. I don't know that i've ever been that sick. I think i'm still recovering, and that is part of the reason I bombed on my test and why i'm feeling so tired and drained now.
About the blood pressure..It's usually pretty high when I go to any sort of Dr..not just high, but extremely alarmingly high. When I went in about my ear infection it was 174/110 or something crazy like that. But it's only like that when i'm at the Doctor's office because I have a phobia thing going on. I could get into it but basically i'm a hypochondriac that's afraid of Doctors. Anyway, i've just been so stressed lately with work, Poppy, school..and just everything, that I really was thinking that my blood pressure might be up all the time now..so I told this Nurse Practitioner lady this and she was all gung ho on giving me a 50mg dose of BP Medication. I let her cuz I thought I was about to have a stroke or something..big mistake. I only took one dose, the sample dose she gave me right there at the clinic, and then she sent me right out to get the prescription filled, which I did for $130. But I got so sick off that one pill that I haven't even touched the prescription meds. A total waste of money. Because now that i'm monitoring myself at home again, my blood pressure has been just fine. I'm so weary about accepting prescriptions from anyone that doesn't have a bonified M.D. after their names now. I should have known better and just followed up on the BP with my regular Doctor., because she knows my history with it but the hypochondriac in me busted out like crazy while I was getting my ear checked. It's because they had all these high BP posters on the walls and shit, about enlarged hearts, a brain about to have a stroke, damaged kidneys..so I was like, shite, what if it is high? I better tell her! Yeah give me pills I don't want to die! God i'm such a nutcase. But, I also feel any good doctor (this was a NP) would have taken heed with what I told them about my past white coat fears and home monitoring with okay results, and had me do the same thing again before just agreeing to throw me on some medication. Especially at such a high starting dosage. I didn't know it was high until I did internet research and talked to my mom and boss who are both on BP meds. They usually test you with 25mgs to start. And, if that all isn't just terrible enough, this damn antibiotic i'm on for my ear infection has given me non-stop bathroom number 2 issues..and it'll probably keep up until i'm done taking them. And a raring yeast infection. Ok, ok, i'm done bitching!
This is like me with esses
except i'm not quite so screechy..and i'd be crying. Click for funny.
From: Sunday, September 03, 2006
Excuse me, I just returned from the fair and I can't quit doin' that. But what's really gross is that they are really greasy ones cuz you know that's what I eat when I'm there. Some people crave sweets, but not me. I like grease and salt. I'm so over it, though, I should be good on that for at least a few weeks. Today was our second trip, we went yesterday with LJ and Fall and my kids friend Teej, and today and we went with my mom and her friend Sylvia. I'm glad I went with my mom today. I'm just so used to going to those kind of things with my Dad that I guess I didn't realize that she might want to go, too, or that maybe she missed going with us. It really surprised me today, and kind of made me feel bad, when she told me that before this year the last time she had been to the fair was in the 80's. Wow. But we had a good time and she had fun.
So, let me tell you how much i'm going to hate my Lifespan Development class. I really am an individualist and I hate speaking in front of groups, so of course this class is chock full of group work and a group presentation at the end of the year. In front of everyone. Mammit. Funny story, though. Our TA is a "naturalist", right, and first day of class she is walking around with bare feet and she's telling us how normally she teaches outdoors and how she is into holistic medicines and healing and blah blah. Well, now, y'all know I have the whole boob thing going on, so guess what she wasn't wearing? Right, so touchin' my nose right now. A bra. Cue Derek Zoolander voice.. 'How am I supposed to learn if she doesn't even wear a bra?' Gah, between Statistics and this class i'll be amazed if I make it through the semester.
Ah, I did want to say that she doesn't collect homework but strongly suggests that we do it for our benefit, and that on all tests she will let us use a cheat sheet thingie that's in the book as well as a notecard we make ourselves with whatever we want on it..awesome, yeah? On the final, as well. I love when they do that!
It's been awhile..
From: Monday, August 28, 2006
since i've had one of those leave home at 7 come home at 7 days, and let me tell ya I wasn't missing anything. I'm so exhausted I'm not even enjoying the internet. I got out of class early, a little after 5, and then swung home to pick up the kid and we headed for the store to pick up some supplies. By the time we got home we were both tired, famished and grumpy. I couldn't get dinner fixed quick enough, but when I did boy was it yummy. We had chili dogs made with white turkey hot dogs (fat free), turkey chili and wheat buns..they were just wonderful, maybe the best chili dogs I've ever had.
Statistics wasn't too bad, we almost didn't have a teacher though. We were waiting and waiting and 20 minutes after class was supposed to start she pops in and asks, "are you waiting on a Stats teacher?" Uh, yeah. So then she tells us they told her she would be teaching the 5:30-6:15 class and she only came in early to make copies and whatnot but good thing she did, cuz there was about to be a big ol class walk out. I would've sat there and waited the whole time, though because that's just the kind of loser I am. So far no numbers or formulas, we just learned a little about gathering data ie. the census..wait, there were some #'s involved but I really don't want to get into it hehe. Okie, I really feel like i'm rambling here so i'm gonna go and probably fall asleep somewhere. Lifespan Development tomorrow, woot!
From: Sunday, August 27, 2006
I'm so tired and lazy lately, I don't know what the problem is. Last night I fell asleep around 10:30 while watching Mythbusters with my kid and the next thing I know it's past 9am this morning. Crazy. And I cannot clean my house or do my laundry for the life of me. It's like there is a physical barrier preventing me from doing it. I keep telling myself "okay tomorrow we are so cleaning" or "okay this weekend we are so cleaning" but then think it happens? Right. I'm just going to blame it on Myspace because my addiction is raging out of control. I need a intervention. I actually think school is going to be my intervention, it starts tomorrow you know. And I really am not ready for Stats. Blah. So, I am promising myself that when we get back from church and lunch today, No Myspace for me until I get my house cleaned and my laundry did..or at least my laundry started.
I had to turn on my heat today after work because if I had balls they'd be frozen. And after it was so nice yesterday, too. What a tease.
So, i'm really frustrated with my student loan from last year. It was my first year back at school, and I was planning on attending part time (2 classes) for both semesters. I completed the FAFSA and applied for financial aid, and I was granted the Stafford subsidized and unsubsidized loans. Well, I only accepted a partial amount of the subsidized loan for both semesters because I wanted to pay as much upfront myself as possible. Anyway, it happened that second semester I registered for a class that I didn't need, my bad, right? It was the wrong writing course for my major. So I dropped it which meant I was only taking 1 class and that brought me below part time status. Because of this, I think that I have to start paying back the loan right now..I received my first payment coupon, anyway. Fine, whatever, but that doesn't mean i'm going to have to pay for what i've accepted this term does it? Because I really don't plan on taking less than 2 classes a semester this year, and after my mistake last year I'm so going to be careful. Mammit, it's making my head hurt.
out of the blue, it'll hit me that I'll never see or talk to my dad again and it's the weirdest, saddest, emptiest feeling ever. And sometimes, I'll look really closely at stuff that I know he's touched to see if I can see his fingerprints..and that makes me even sadder.
Football in Palmer.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Current mood: lazy
I went out to Palmer
last night to watch the football game between Palmer High and West High. The drive was terrible because there was an accident
by the Knik Bridge and it literally took us about 1 1/2 hours to get there. The game started at 7pm and we didn't get there until about 8pm. I freaking hate traffic, but even worse than that is traffic with a Manual vehicle. My clutch knee was killing me and my clutch foot and leg were going numb, and I was swearing to myself that my next car would be an automatic for those very reasons. West lost and it rained the whole time, but we had fun anyway. Palmer kept shooting off a cannon everytime they scored and I kept thinking how if they did that shit in Anchorage everyone would have been hitting the ground hehe. E said either that or people would have started whipping out their guns and shooting back. Not funny
(kinda funny) but probably true.
I was supposed to hit up the air show
today with my coworkers and their kids, but we are going to try our luck with the weather tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be better than today. The airplanes flying around are driving me crazy, though...that's one of the problems with living next to an Air Force base. I'm so being lazy today, I'm about to go crawl under some blankets because it's freezing in here and watch TV yay. I love TV. And blankets when it's cold. And napping. Which will probably happen, too.
Another weird dream.
Monday August 7, 2006
Current mood: okay
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I had another dream about Poppy, and this one was pretty weird, too. I was snoozin' and my alarm clock started going off so that meant it was about 5:30 am..I have it set to The End and Godsmack was on (Shinedown) and as much as I wanted to keep listening, I wanted to hit snooze and go back to sleep even more.
So, I fall back asleep and I dream that I am watching my girl Kat VonD (from Miami Ink) practicing tattooing on dead bodies..cadavers, ya know. We're actually in a dark room with the only light from one of those over head medical lamps, and the body she's working on is on a metal table. She's practicing her technique for tattooing realistic looking facial hair and it's looking really awesome, and she's pretty excited about it. She has to leave the room for a second so i'm sitting alone with the body...and that's when I notice that the body is Poppy's. I get sad but i'm not surprised, so I think the me in the dream knew all along it was him. Anyway, I'm just staring at him and he starts moving...not much, a little twitch of his head and leg, but enough for me to start freaking out. I start yelling for someone to come and check on him to see if he's alive, and while i'm yelling I wake up.
It was lighter in my room than it should have been and when I check my alarm clock it was freaking 7:00am. Um, I have to be at work at 7:30am. I guess instead of hitting snooze I just turned that shite all the way off and I hate it when I do that. I didn't end up getting to work until 8. For all the trouble it caused it could have at least been a good dream..