Set Adrift

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Bad night..

I'm having a bad night. I'm really really missing my dad and i'm attempting to make myself a) feel better, or b) feel worse, by drinking me some (a lot of) wine. So far it's just making me feel sadder. The ironic part is that my father was an alcoholic, which ended up killing him, and here I am using alcohol to console myself..smart, right? I had a huge crying fit earlier, not a small one but full on wailing and whatnot. I just miss him so freaking much and this time of the month, when it gets nearer to the day of the month he died, I get really emotional. I thought I was finally getting over it a little, usually the week leading up to the day I can barely function, but blah..I don't know. My dads older sister is really sick, she's dying..we at first thought it was her liver, too, because she is also a chronic alcoholic, but it turns out it's cervical cancer that has spread to her lungs and probably her brain. They live in GA, and my younger aunt called tonight & my older aunt is going to be dying soon, there is nothing else they can do for her, she just waited too fucking long to go to the doctor, and she said that I need to send her a copy of the music tape that they used at my dad's funeral because they want to play that tape at my aunt's funeral..and that I need to send it overnight or 1-day or whatever because it will probably be soon. Those 2 are the only immediate family on my dad's side I have left..and now one of them is going to be gone. I feel like a whole part of my life is just going away and the sadness and loss SUCKS. I wish I had brothers or sisters to go through this with. I have to say that my dad was my best friend, and not only mine but my son's as well. He was the best grandpa in the world..and my son absolutely adored him. That's what kills me the most, the loss my son is going through. My dad was with him almost every day and my son loved to be with him more than even with his own dad. Right after my dad died, my son said to me that maybe he should sign up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters program..I asked him why and he told me because then maybe he wouldn't feel so lonely. God, now i'm crying again. That killed me. Now i'm wishing we weren't so close to him because then it wouldn't be so hard now..but i'm also glad we had all that time with him because I have a lot of good memories. There were also a lot of bad memories, because he was an alcoholic, but when he didn't drink he was the best dad and grandpa ever. I know i'm rambling and I think it's because of the wine. Gah. I'm scared my son is going to forget his grandpa. What the fuck do I remember from when I was eleven? Not much. I want him to start a journal to write down all his poppy memories, but he hasn't done it. He dreams about him a lot and he always tell me, "remember when me and poppy.."..or, "remember when poppy.."..and these are the things I want him to always remember. FUCK. Anyway, consider this a total drunken feeling sorry for myself and my life post.

When I let my dog out this morning it looked so odd..everything looked tobacco'd stained, but the sky was blue and pink..just very different and kind of depressing..I had to take a picture.

Update: My aunt passed away on Feb. 14, '06, Valentine's Day..4 months and 2 days after her bro (my dad).

1 comment(s):

I wish I could offer some advice but my alcoholic wife-beating father pretty much disowned me.

Oh yeah, alcoholism is kinda genetic. Then again, damn near everything is.

I don't know where I'm going with this so I guess I should stop typing now.

By Blogger Mimi, at 2:16 PM  

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